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Flapping Jaws

It's a doctor's worst fear: a pair of jaws flapping up and down. The Jaws are of unknown origin, but their behavior is infamous around Edmonton. Somehow, the Jaws are nothing more than what their name implies: a pair of jaws; no body, no legs, just...jaws. They usually hide in a corner or hole, so their back is protected. Some of the more common locations include: maintenance rooms, trash cans, toilets (the results are...messy) and sinks. The Flapping Jaws were not created by the Doctor; they share some of the Fish Heads' attributes such as a green ooze that accompanies them, but they are out of even Sigmund's control. Luckily though, they are not that common, and can sometimes be avoided if sighted from a safe distance. The problem with the Jaws though is that if you see one and you are too close to it, it could extend outward and latch around and you would be sucked in, never to see the light again.

Blong Demon

Early on, when the labs was but stationed in a warehouse, the founding doctors Gordon and Simons were doing some elemental plane experiments...sadly, something went wrong. A dimensional quantum rift opened up and something from the darkest bals of the universe was spawned in; a dreaded demon with a chainsaw. Possibly the most horrifying thing is the Blong Demon seems to change size, and its chainsaw does so accordingly; sometimes the beast can be miles high. Although its true agenda isn't really known, the blong demon warps in at random times (normally within the vicinity of Simons) and begins wrecking havoc.

Fish Head Knights

The Fish Head Knights are The Doctor's private guardians. These silent sentinels move like men, but under the black cloak and folded hood lurks a fiend of pure wickedness, so bent on killing that only The Doctor's gesture keeps these warriors back from an all-out mass-execution on every living being. Touting only a light-dagger (much like a compact version of a lightsaber), and a built-in "fish juice-pumper", the only time you'll see these guys is when it's too late. Once they terminate you they will convert you over to one of their own, with a special more potent fish-juice infusion.

ION Gargantuan Cave Beast

Deep within the ION tanks of the Hyponi Labs lives a massive beast. A beast so monstrous in size indeed, that its full name is The ION Gargantuan Cave Beast. It is believed to have originated from deep within the Catacombs below the ION tanks, but no one has ever returned from trips down there. The ION Beast is actually a friendly creature, despite her continuous demand for fresh meat. Thus, the good doctors are welcomed by her when they enter the ION tanks for maintenance...welcomed with an entire legion of teeth descending from the rafters, or extending from the shadows. The good doctors have tried on many occasions to remove the creature, but they have all died every time. Interestingly, the power of the ION beams has no effect on the beast. While the beams could annihilate the entire universe if focused in the correct way, the beast seems actually to enjoy the energy flow, and it is believed by some that she actually thrives on the beams.


Now up at Gordon’s estate in the hills, some of General Hemmings' men happened to monitoring the countryside...when they identified some creature wandering around. He was big, green, and carried a club. The beast was soon captured, but not without some of the General's beast men being flattened or gobbled down. Since then The Doctor has kept him at a remote cave in the jungle until he is needed. There he is free to yell "SMASH...CRUSH" and beat down little animals to his pleasure. Unfortunately for the citizens of Edmonton, the beast manages to find its way into the urban center every so often and bellow "I...AM...GRONZE" ...and commence with the mayhem.

Count Simons

Simons inherited a massive mansion deep within the hills surrounding Edmonton. it belonged to his great grandfather, Count Henry Von Simons from Europe. Although simons almost never visits the place, which is old and decrepit, legend has it that when his recluse ancestor perished, his soul remained in the form of a blood sucking fiend who wore a black coat with red outlines, and is now known as Count Simons. The count sometimes "visits" Dr. Simons and his unfortunate colleagues, usually leaving a trail of corpses in his wake. Luckily, however, a good double-barreled Remmington can handle the walking corpse.

The Serpent Hydra

Down, deep within the lower labs, on the nights, typically when but a few doctors are working alone, with most of the power shut off, shadows-galore...the dreaded creature known as the Serpent Hydra comes out from the Catacombs. The ethereal monster does not appear to be of this world, as it passes through walls and most other objects, soaring around, up, down, and all around. One catch: It feeds on souls; if you are "touched" by any of its tentacles, your life-force...your "gaia", will be ripped out and devoured before your carcass even hits the floor.

Universe Controller

Who's got more insight than Dr. Simons? Who's more passionate than Dr. Gordon? Who has more power than The Doctor? Who is pulling more strings than Satan himself? Ladies and Gentlemen, meet...The Universe Controller. That's right; this is the big man, the guy behind the desk, the one running the show - we're talking the head gringo, the big boss, the guy behind the curtain, capi-tuan, the Alpha and the Omega. He keeps Satan on his leash, dictates the laws of physics, and decides what star is going to supernova today. From his infamous throne aboard the massive space station, Xisus-2 (the size of a small moon), The Universe Controller controls all workings of the universe with an iron fist, which normally doesn't exceed watching the show over a few monitors. He has the power to eliminate an entire portion of the universe at will, although he rarely flexes such power despite his motives, for some...reason. He does hate the HMS Corporation, particularly the doctors...perhaps because Xisus-1 was reduced to the size of a pea during an experimental particle collider operation, and Simons and Gordon cheered a few cups of tea together after the fireworks. Unofficially, he has been referred to as "Tim". Even with all his might, he's nothing a good Double Barreler can't handle...

TPS Reports

The infamous TPS (tram protocol and system) reports are looked at to be a greater nuisance to the Labs than the FBI itself. This is mainly due to the high probability of the staff going "postal" when required to fill them out and get them on Norton's desk by the next morning. It is unknown what purpose the TPS reports serve, but it is known that they are impossibly boring to complete. These reports are what constitute about 75% of the employees' day in the upper labs. Although the technicians and scientists are fortunate enough to escape these most of the time, they still have to fill them out sometimes.

Gordon Claus

Poor day walking along in the snow somewhere in the vast plains of the North Pole; This was what was happening before poor Santa Claus, as we know him, was converted into some form of an 8-foot walking beast dawning Santa's beloved suit, and a series of meat grinders attached to its arms. It was the work of a rogue fish head that did it, it was floating up in space at the time, until its vision picked up the jolly red man walking through the snow, then it beamed down at light speed and sub-atomically amalgamated into his body. As for why he is called "Gordon Claus" is unknown; he is of no relation to the good scientist at Hyponi Labs. Nevertheless, remember, Gordon Claus is coming to town...

Mr. Isaacs

As foremost investor on the Hyponi Board of Directions, Mr. Isaacs demands a lot. He wants to know what's going on in the Lower Labs, what Bob–from Accounting does all day, and why Gordon is still employed. To the great dismay of Norton, his brutal verdicts radiate out to the rest of the board, including the Ring-Leader, Mr. Garrison. Mr. Isaacs is ruthless and is ready to fire anyone who isn't directly bringing in big bucks for the company. His weapons? One hand and the words "I vote". He is typically the one pictured on the mock-photos in the lunchroom, with the devil goatee.

The Board

Atop the Hyponi Lab towers, a few levels above the 79th floor, lies the board room. Inside, a congregation of money-hungry capitalists and kid-hating bureaucrats make up the Board of Directors, supervised by Dr. Norton. These boyz, headed up by Mr. Garrison, constantly shift funding around and argue over what's coming out of the lab. The board can be compared to a Nazi supremacy with its day-to-day viciousness. Weaker members are cornered, voted off, and ordered to be brutally removed without hesitation by security, only to be replaced with another man the same day. The only people keeping these big fish in check is Norton and the board room busboy, Jerry. Of course, Norton typically sides with the majority of the board so he doesn't get voted off himself, while Jerry falls fatality victim to the coffee mugs when they haven't been filled up quick enough. Rarely, the good doctors themselves Gordon and Simons, are called up to face the board; although such meetings end with the entire board disintegrated.


Dr. Feldman is a very unique threat to the HMS labs. For one, he is a one-man team; he works by himself, for himself, in a strange mission to overtake the labs for his own uses. His higher motives are unknown. What is known is that he is constantly trying to get a job at the labs, and quietly plots his revenge in a secret base below the streets of Edmonton when he is denied a position. He also sports an impressive arsenal of custom gadgets, such as his shoe with a silenced pistol hidden in it, which he gets from an unknown source. But the main threat posed by Feldman is his outstanding psychic abilities. He can raise someone up by their neck without touching them, and he is proficient at mind control. For those who are not weak minded, however, he uses other methods such as disturbing them with his glowing eyes (which suggest that he originated from some place...elsewhere) and tossing people around the room with a point of a finger. Still, like the Doctor, he is only a worthy adversary when it comes to locking eyes with Dr. Simons.


Satan – a.k.a. the Devil, Lucifer, the Dark Lord, the Anti-Christ, Supreme Ruler of Hades, Conqueror of Worlds, Murderer of Babies, Overlord of the Pit. Satan is a bizarre mix between a few savage beasts, some from...other worlds. He comes equipped with a pair of goat legs, gigantic stallion hooves, spidery fingers, razor sharp claws, blood-red skin, scorching eyes, huge steer horns, and one heck of a sinister goatee. The Dark Lord is the most enthusiastically destructive being in existence, and he will go to any length to bring about the final annihilation of the planet and all its inhabitants, and its ultimate conversion to a molten wasteland. Despite his thousands of effortless slaughterings through the ages, there is only one that can stand up against him...Little Timmy.

Simons Goose

It began with Simons strolling down the street after a terribly long flu spout which he had been unfortunate enough to become infected with. Later, perhaps by cause of him tossing a tissue down the sewers, an infected virus of evil reached the geese flock in the Peterson plains on the outskirts of town. One of the sacred geese took a sip of water, and was instantly mutated into a butt-ugly over-sized 'goose of prey', brandishing a pair of Simons-tuffs on its little head, big bloated eyes, and an evil cackle. It instantly tore through the rest of the flock and made its way for town by-way of the sewer pipe. The dreaded beast keeps the spines of every note-worthy victim it slaughters, at an undisclosed location...which started with the spine of Lady-Goose, his former mate of the flock. Simons' first encounter with his altered goose-self ended in the good doctor as a spineless pile of drippings, after his realization that it takes more than a mere Remmington to handle this monster. Even Satan shutters at the mention of Simons-Goose.

Simons Snowman

Simons-Snowman was the creation of Little Timmy and his runt pack, in an effort to please Dr. Henrich Simons during one fine Christmas morning. It was constructed in Little Bobby's front yard, and while Simons did manage to see it, he wasn't pleased in the least. Minutes before Simons had driven by; Gordon-Claus wandered past the house, slaughtered the younglings, and split a few gallons of fish-juice over the innocent snowman. The good doctor turned the corner to find the bloodbath; Simons-Snowman sitting in the middle, motionless, abnormal sticks as arms, a faint piercing cackle coming from its direction; Simons turned the van around promptly. Ever since that day the wicked-sick snowman has shown up at random places, never moving, but with the same nasty screech – and the carnage always follows.

The Recycler

The Recycler is an abomination straight out of The Doctor's bio-labs, constructed by an insane mechanic team by "accident" after The Doctor for commanded General Hemmings to be "taken away" after a...disagreement. Take one disgruntled general, strap him down, kicking and screaming, saw off various limps and attach beefed-up drills, chainsaws, slicers, and mincers by means of 6-inch metal spikes and industrial-grade plumbers tape. Apply serums to keep him alive and to induce permanent violent destructive impulses. Modify cerebral activity to focus on one goal – obliterate everything under The Doctor's close orchestration. The Recycler also comes with a built-in furnace. When the Doctor received a report that this Recycler automaton had single-handedly wiped out an entire wing of hundreds of science and security personnel, he immediately realized its best use – a new minion to use against the doctors of Hyponi Labs. The Recycler reports to the Doctor alone, to this day forth. Its first confrontation with Simons and Gordon left The Recycler a few chunks of smoldering fresh and twisted metal in the dumpster around backside of Ernie's diner. However, with Hemmings continuing to respawn and defy The Doctor, stronger and stronger versions of the Recycler keep emerging and the bodies keep piling up.


While the acronym LCCP-1447 may not seem menacing in the least, it in fact represents a very, very lethal, unforgiving...printer virus. Norton stumbled upon it first; one day he received a package in the mail; inside, a floppy disk...he plugged in the disk and immediately the entire company network was shut down, and every single computer in the building blue-screened, even Gordon's...much to his dismay (the result was a few employees not leaving the room alive). Luckily Roberts had installed a safety protocol that prevented any data from leaving the building's fiber cable if the network couldn’t authenticate it. The virus was trapped – and Roberts spent a few weeks fishing it out of the system and finally cornered it to a single printer, which was swiftly disconnected. The virus was finished, or so they thought. Over the years it has popped up at various printers around the office, causing havoc in the form of PC Load Letter errors and expelling ink cartridges at random, typically during TPS report printing sessions. Roberts thinks its hiding in the mainframe somewhere "but it's way too messy to go looking through there". Once every so often the virus is able to hijack an automaton from the labs and go on a killing spree. And when it is really lucky, the virus manages to commandeer Gordon’s corpse...


Dr. Watson, the head psychiatrist at Greendale Retreat (a large mental health complex deep within Edmonton) is an interesting man. Due to Dr. Gordon's frequent suicide-bombing attempts, he is often sent to the retreat for therapy. But Gordon realizes how mislead poor Dr. Watson is and "helps" him...with a shotgun. Dr. Watson, like Feldman, almost never reveals his true feelings towards the labs. He wants to take them down. Watson also has an extreme problem with "the republic"...and seems to assume anyone he kills or is about to kill is "republic scum". His reasons for this behavior are unknown. Finally, he seems to have a slight difficulty with…“staying down”, not even a Remmington can handle the job sometimes.

The Consular

The Consular (a.k.a. Bennett Valerian) is a highly corrupt politician contending to be the mayor of Edmonton. He is corrupt in the fact that he's worked out dozens of deals with The Doctor for gaining a place of power in the final grand scheme...the problem is: The Consular can't help but not backstab every single partner of his. Once The Doctor learns of The Consular's secret motives, there's normally a very large brawl of intergalactic ships clashing deep within space (no one knows where The Consular gets his ships), and naturally someone's mind just goes horribly wrong and doomsday machine activates. The Consular also despises Hyponi Labs (and anyone progressing science) and is relentlessly beating against the HMS Corporation with dozens and dozens of irritating, absurd lawsuits.

The Lawyers

As the name suggest, the lawyers are a collection of...lawyers, who are under the loyal employment of The Consular. Actually, they aren't just a "collection" of the best lawyers in town...instead, it's an entire legion of the best lawyers in town...all at The Consular's disposal. If there's ever any type of quarrel involving him, such as the doctors of Hyponi Labs pleading for their lives...he'll say something like "talk with my lawyers". This results in his legion marching in (the thousands of them) and applying a few briefcases to the culprits. Still though, sometimes, very rarely they will actually end up in a courtroom.

Whirlpool of Teeth

This monster is perhaps the least known by the doctors, but it appears in highly interesting places, such as the HMS Space Labs. How it got there is unknown, as is how it is able to do what it does: disintegrate a massive circle in the floor and fill the space with a whirlpool of spinning teeth. Anything that falls in there is shredded, and as a result the beast has almost no digestive system...when anything finally gets to the tiny mouth at the center of the whirlpool it is little more than a spray. It is known that this creature is somehow related to the ION beast, but it does not appear as often and therefore does not wreak as much havoc.

The Doctor Claus

Take Gordon-Claus, only twist his sanity to the absolute edge, and pump him solid of fish juice - to the point where his single eye glows a toxic green. Dawning a thick black trench coat, an evil hook, giant fork, and serrated jaws, The-Doctor-Claus stirs up twice the mayhem Gordon-Claus could ever dream of, with a vengeance. If he's not running down little kiddies in the playground, the sinister gargantuan is clawing his way across the Hammer's hull, shredding off panels, feasting on hapless doctors. The-Doctor-Claus is not the reincarnation of ol' Saint Nick like Gordon-Claus; in fact no one knows where this thing came from...besides that it was from deep-space somewhere, perhaps even past the outer rim. The final disturbing part is that The-Doctor-Claus seems to vary in size, from absolutely huge to a measly 9-feet-tall. Typically the number one objective for nearly all parties once he shows up is to eradicate the unstoppable brute once and for all. So far the only viable means have been accelerating him down the ION Shaft...